While growing up, we come across millions of things to explore – be it family, friends, school, neighborhood etc. We experience good or bad, beautiful and ugly. I grew up with a typical Indian middle class family’s mentality – to study well, so as to take up a good job and make a future. I had always found myself in tough situation when it came to expressing. I was really amazed to see how lyricists write beautiful songs – narrating a situation or feeling and because I could sing those songs, I was able to illustrate my state of mind. That’s how I thought of writing something which is relevant to me, my life, my situations.
During childhood, the books I used to read were only school text books and spent free time with friends & family. And one day, I found my mom’s diary. In my mom’s diary, I read songs which she liked (old Hindi movies songs) and few of her’s own creations. I asked her “Why did you write?” She replied “Sometimes, people are not able to express themselves to others due to situations, stress, tensions or may be just because they will sound crazy. If you write, it gives you equal or may be more satisfaction. In this way, you have expressed yourself well.” Slowly, I began to understand the meaning of expressing yourself and that’s how I started writing.
I clearly remember my first original composition. Before that I had written a few but felt they were inspired by some existing ones. I was 13 years old, sitting alone in my room at night and was praying for a better life. I believe I was going through teenage crisis and hence wrote my first poem in Hindi (Hindi being my mother tongue, I could express myself better). Post that I started writing everyday – expressing in poems what I felt – happy or sad, excited or dull….whatever. Apart from poems, I wrote a letter to my father (which I never handed over to him) – expressing how I thought I am a good singer and instead of wasting time in school, I should go to participate in Indian Idol (Indian version of singing reality show American Idol). But I knew that my father was more interested in me and my two sisters, studying and settling well and not to struggle in some stream which is extremely risky.
Since most of my writing was related to me and my secrets, I preferred hiding it away from family or friends. I didn’t want anyone to know what’s cooking inside me – I was not sure if I was right or wrong. At small age, few ones are really not able to handle criticism. I was such a person and had waited for the right time to share them, right time – when it really didn’t matter what I thought then…
All of my writings, till recently were only for myself. Just now I felt the need of sharing and publishing – so as to explore the power of it. Also, to know what others have to say about it. It is important to know a thing from all perspectives. When we grow up, with age and experiences, we block our minds according to our convenience and lifestyle. This doesn’t mean that other perspective does not exist.
Now, I write, but before that I explore the perspectives, how people think about the subject. It doesn’t matter if I agree or disagree with them, but it gives me clarity of thoughts and strength to express my self in a better way.